Lifting Others Up Without Putting Myself Down

I noticed something about myself that I’m not proud of.

When I compliment someone, I have a habit of shrinking myself in the same breath. Someone does something well, and my way of saying so turns into “you’re so much better at this than I am” or “I could never do that.” I told myself that was humility.

It isn’t. It’s closer to erasing myself.

I used to say it out loud

Recently I was watching a video where someone said they weren’t that smart. This was a person who has accomplished a lot, and you don’t get there without being smart. So I wrote to them and told them to stop saying that about themselves.

I told them I used to do the same thing, and I’ve come to realize what a negative impact it had on me.

That’s true. When you say something about yourself enough times, you start to believe it. And it doesn’t stay in the one moment where you said it. It follows you into the next hard thing you try.

What Sirach 10 says

This passage has become a touchstone for me:

“My son, glorify thy soul in meekness, and give it honour according to the dignity thereof. Who will justify him that sinneth against his own soul? and who will honour him that dishonoureth his own life?”

Sirach 10:28–29

Sirach is part of the Ethiopian Orthodox Bible.

What stands out to me is that it doesn’t treat tearing yourself down as a virtue. It almost reads like a court case. If you’re the one sinning against your own soul, who’s going to stand up and defend you? If you won’t honor your own life, why would you expect anyone else to?

And it still says in meekness. This isn’t permission to be arrogant. It’s asking for an honest measure: honor that matches what’s actually there. Not more. Not less.

Two sides of the same habit

I’ve noticed this shows up in me two ways:

• When someone else is praised, I minimize what I bring.
• When I make a mistake, I blow it up bigger than it is.

It looks like two different problems. It’s really the same one. In both cases I’m not letting the facts be the facts. I’m resizing them, and always in the direction that makes me smaller.

What I’m trying instead

I can say “you did great” and stop there. I don’t have to add “and I couldn’t have.” Their good work doesn’t need my failure next to it to count.

If someone compliments me, I can say “thank you” and leave it alone.

And when I’m about to call myself not smart enough, not disciplined enough, not whatever enough, I’m trying to ask whether that’s accurate or just a habit. Most of the time it’s a habit.

Seeing yourself honestly isn’t pride. Putting yourself down isn’t humility. I’m still learning the difference, but I’m learning it.